dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
