I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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