Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how drunk are you?
Several
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
