I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
