I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize