I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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