I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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