If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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