Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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