Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
