he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I could fuck to npr.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
