Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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