i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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