my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
