I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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