I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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