Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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