I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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