On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
