I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
