Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So vagazzling was a success
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
