I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
