Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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