I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
