Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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