On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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