I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
