That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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