I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
