Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
