I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
