do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
