Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
