A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
