my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
