I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
