HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
