Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
