They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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