bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.