My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
