I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
