I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
