they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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