cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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