someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
