It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is my gift to your gina
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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