You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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