Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
