Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
