I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
