I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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