if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
