i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
