He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
