omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
