soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
