using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
